the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
