Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We need to rekindle our bromance
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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