in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
