The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
