Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize