I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
