Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
