My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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