so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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