Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize