dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
