you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
