Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
