i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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