Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize