I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
