what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
