apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
