I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
