For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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