Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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