as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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