no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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