I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
