All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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