I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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