I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize