I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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