There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
