oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she looked like the before picture.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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