ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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