Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
