you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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