How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
