it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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