hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You had me at "let me see your balls"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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