Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
