I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
