I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want to make out with him forever
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
