hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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