he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
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