So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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