I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
