Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
