he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
