so let's talk penis.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
