Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
