im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
