Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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