Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
