My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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