i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
