I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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