I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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